I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize