I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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