And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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