Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
They have beer where we have blood.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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