Who did Billy Mays play for?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
