Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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