***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
