I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
