Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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