direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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