I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
