Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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