You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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