Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
