I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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