My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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