I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
