You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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