somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
