i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
