I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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