The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
