It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
