I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
