I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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