If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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