He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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