kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
birth control should be required to get into college
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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