I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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