Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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