I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
