I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
