Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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