i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
