She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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