He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
