My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
