Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
