My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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