Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
