From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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