There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
