He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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