i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Randomize
