the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
