Your face is a jimmy john
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
