News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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