i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
PANTIES FOUND
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