3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
