I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
