I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
