So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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