you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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