Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
There are leaves in my underwear?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
