Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
