i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
