There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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