woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Randomize
